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Tuesday, 1 June 2010

FIFA World Cup 2010 - Getting the rules straight up front


Dear Wife/Sweetheart/Girlfriend/Partner/Whoever it may concern,

1. Between 11th June and 11th of July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that your aware of what is going on regarding the world of football and you will be able to join in conversations.
If you fail to do this then you may be ignored. DO NOT complain that your not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the TV is mine, at all times.

3. You can pass by the TV as long as your crawling on the floor and don’t distract me.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute unless I need a refill on my drink or need something to eat. So I wont be answering the phone or the door or look after the baby.

5. It would be a very good idea to have at least 2 six-packs in the fridge at all times and have plenty of food in. You may be allowed to use the TV during 12am and 6am unless their is a replay of a really good game.

6. Please! If you see me upset as one of my teams are losing DON’T say “get over it, it’s only a game” or “don’t worry they will win next time”. You will only make me love you less.

7. You may watch one game with me. But you can only talk during the half time commercials.

8. The replays of goals are very important if I have seen them or not, I will want to see them again many times!

9. Please tell your friends not to have any babies or any other child related parties or any gatherings that require my attendance as I will NOT BE GOING!

10. But if a friend of mine invites us to their house to watch a game then we will be there in a flash.

11. The highlights programme is just as important as the games themselves.

12. And finally, please save expressions such as “Thank god the World Cup is only on every 4 years”. Because after this I have the Premier League, Champions League, SPL, Serie A, La Liga, Bundesliga, FA Cup etc to look forward to.

P.S. if you get stuck on the road phone the Police or the AA.

Thank you for your co-operation.


The offside rule explained for girls:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!