Relationships Aren't Always Easy - So Go To The Movies

Apparently there are four things that kills relationships stone dead according to Professor John Gottman:
- repeated criticism
- lots of expressions of contempt (like sarcasm)
- being defensive
- stonewalling, which is where there is NO communication.

If you're at the stage where it may not be working (and before you go to therapy or decide to quit), how about agreeing to watch a film together?
I'm not on about the usual ideal, 'happy ending', Hollywood blockbuster but something with maybe more substance, where you may learn something about people, relationships and yourself.


A new three-year study finds that divorce rates and break-ups were more than halved by watching movies about relationships and discussing them afterwards.

"You might not be able to get your husband into a couples group, especially when you are happy. But watching a movie together and having a discussion, that’s not so scary. It’s less pathologizing, less stigmatizing." - Ronald Rogge (the study's lead author)

After watching the film together, the couple then talk about certain aspects of it, that will reveal what they each think, areas of conflict, possible solutions to work on - and most importantly COMMUNICATION. As if you can talk about the problem, you are on your way to solving it.

Check out the video below and list of films and questions.

It may save your relationship or at least give you some good films to watch :-)

Original Movie List from the Study

A Star Is Born (1954)		Mr. Blandings Builds his Dreamhouse (1948)
	Judy Garland and James Mason		Cary Grant and Myrna Loy
Adam's Rib (1949)		My Favorite Wife (1940)
	Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn		Irene Dunne and Cary Grant
Anna Karenina (2012)		Nina Takes a Lover (1994)
	Keira Knightley and Jude Law		Laura San Giacomo and Paul Rhys
As Good as it Gets (1997)		Nine Months (1995)
	Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt		Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore
Barefoot in the Par (1967)		On Golden Pond (1981)
	Robert Redford and Jane Fonda		Katharine Hepburn and Henry Fonda
Children of a Lesser God (1986)		Pat and Mike (1952)
	William Hurt and Marlee Matlin		Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn
Days of Wine and Roses (1962)		Penny Serenade (1941)
	Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick		Cary Grant and Irene Dunne
Desk Set (1957)		Phffft [Pfft!] (1954)
	Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn		Judy Holliday and Jack Lemmon
Dying Young (1991)		Red Firecracker, Green Firecracker (1994)
	Julia Roberts and Campbell Scott		Jing Ning and Gang Wu
Fools Rush In (1997)		She's Having a Baby (1988)
	Matthew Perry and Salma Hayek		Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern
Forget Paris (1995)		Steel Magnolias (1989)
	Billy Crystal and Debra Winger		Shirley MacLaine and Olympia Dukakis
French Twist (1995)		Terms of Endearment (1983)
	Patrick Aubrée and Josiane Balasko		Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger
Funny Girl (1968)		The Devil's Advocate (1997)
	Barbra Streisand and Omar Sharif		Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino
Gone With the Wind (1939)		The Egg and I (1947)
	Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh		Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner (1967)		The Male Animal (1942)
	Spencer Tracy and Sidney Poitier		Henry Fonda and Olivia de Havilland
Hanover Street (1979)		The Out of Towners (1970)
	Harrison Ford and Lesley-Anne Down		Jack Lemon and Sandy Dennis
Husbands and Wives (1992)		The Thin Man (1934)
	Woody Allen and Mia Farrow		William Powell and Myrna Loy
Indecent Proposal (1993)		The Way We Were (1973)
	Robert Redford and Demi Moore		Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford
Jungle Fever (1991)		Untamed Heart (1993)
	Wesley Snipes and Anna Sciorra		Christian Slater and Marisa Tomei
Love Jones (1997)		When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
	Larenz Tate and Nia Long		Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia
Love Story (1970)		Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966)
	Ali MacGraw and Ryan O'Neal		Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton
Made for Each Other (1939)		With Six You Get Eggroll (1968)
	Carol Lombard and Jimmy Stewart		Doris Day and Brian Keith
Mississippi Masala (1991)		Yours, Mine and Ours (1968)
	Denzel Washington and Sarita Choudhury		Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball
Move Over, Darling (1963)
	Doris Day and James Garner

Additional Movies

American Beauty (1999)		Obsessed (2009)
	Kevin Spacey and Annette Bening		Beyoncé Knowles and Idris Elba
Anger Management (2003)		Something's Gotta Give (2003)
	Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler		Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton
Autumn in New York (2000)		Surviving Christmas (2004)
	Richard Gere and Winona Ryder		Ben Affleck and Christina Applegate
Bee Season (2005)		Sweet Home Alabama (2002)
	Richard Gere and Juliette Binoche		Reese Witherspoon and Patrick Dempsey
Before Sunset (2004)		Sweet November (2001)
	Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy		Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron
Blue valentine (2010)		Terms of Endearment (1983)
	Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams		Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger
Coal Miner's Daughter (1980)		The Five-year Engagement (2012)
	Sissy Spacek and Tommy Lee Jones		Jason Segel and Emily Blunt
Couples Retreat (2009)		The Back-up Plan (2010)
	Vince Vaughn and Malin Akerman		Jennifer Lopez and Alex O'Loughlin
Crooklyn (1994)		The Big Wedding (2013)
	Alfre Woodard and Delroy Lindo		Robert De Niro and Diane Keaton
Date Night (2010)		The Bounty Hunter (2010)
	Steve Carell and Tina Fey		Jennifer Aniston and Gerald Butler
Deliver Us From Eva (2003)		The Break-up (2006)
	Gabrielle Union and LL Cool J		Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn
Devil Wears Prada (2006)		The Campaign (2012)
	Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep		Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis
The Devil's Advocate (1997)		The Door in the Floor (2004)
	Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron		Jeff Bridges and Kim Basinger
The Family Man (2000)		The Glass House (2001)
	Nicolas Cage and Téa Leoni		Diane Lane and Leelee Sobieski
Fatal Attraction (1987)		The Good Girl (2002)
	Michael Douglas and Glenn Close		Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhaal
Father of the bride (1991)		The Horse Whisperer (1998)
	Steve Martin and Diane Keaton		Robert Redford and Kristin Scott Thomas
Fool's Gold (2008)		The Marriage Chronicles (2012)
	Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson		Jazsmin Lewis and Darrin Dewitt Henson
Four Christmases (2008)		The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996)
	Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn		Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges
Her (2013)		The Money Pit (1986)
	Joaquin Phoenix and Amy Adams		Tom Hanks and Shelley Long
Hope Springs (2012)		The Notebook (2004)
	Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones		Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams
It's Complicated,(2009)		The Story of Us (1999)
	Meryl Streep and Steve Martin		Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer
Julie & Julia (2009)		Think Like a Man (2012)
	Amy Adams and Meryl Streep		Chris Brown and Gabrielle Union
Jumping the Broom (2011)		True Lies (1994)
	Paula Patton and Laz Alonso		Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis
Just Married (2003)		Unfaithful (2002)
	Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy		Richard Gere and Diane Lane
Life as we know it (2010)		Waiting to Exhale (1995)
	Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel		Whitney Houston and Angela Bassett
Longtime Companion (1989)		Wanderlust (2012)
	Stephen Caffrey and Patrick Cassidy		Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd
Love and other drugs (2010)		What Lies Beneath (2000)
	Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway		Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer
Marley and Me (2008)		When a man loves a woman (1994)
	Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston		Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia
Meet the Fockers (2004)		Why did I get married? (2007)
	Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro		Tyler Perry and Janet Jackson
Monster-in-law (2005)		You, Me and Dupre (2006)
	Jennifer Lopez and Michael Vartan		Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)		Don Jon (2013)
	Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie		Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Scarlett Johansson
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)		Before Midnight (2013)
	Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet		Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy
The Best Man Holiday (2013)		This Is 40 (2012)
	Monica Calhoun and Morris Chestnut		Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann

After watching the films, the couple then go through a series of questions as follows:

1. What was the main relationship portrayed in the movie? This is the relationship that you will focus on in the following questions.

2. What main problem(s) did this couple face? Are any of these similar to the problems that the two of you have faced or might face as a couple?

3. Did this couple strive to understand each other? Did they tend to accept one another, even if they were very different? Or did the couple tend to attack each others' differences?
- In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

4. Did the couple have a strong friendship with each other? Were they able to support each other through bad moods, stressful days, and hard times? Did they listen to each other like good friends? Did the couple in the movie do considerate or affectionate things for each other?
- In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

5. How did the couple handle arguments or differences of opinion? Were they able to open up and tell each other how they really felt, or did they tend to just snap at each other with anger? Did they try using humor to keep things from getting nasty? Did it feel like they were really trying to understand each other?
- In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?



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Sources:
Article at:
http://www.spring.org.uk/2014/02/10-psychology-studies-every-lover-should-know.php
http://www.spring.org.uk/2013/07/the-four-things-that-kill-a-relationship-stone-dead.php

Dr. Ron Rogge - Associate Professor in the Department of Clinical and Social Sciences in Psychology at the University of Rochester
http://www.courses.rochester.edu/surveys/funk/

The real value of a meal deal

Next time you walk past a homeless person in the street and into a shop to buy some more useless crap - why not think of them and buy them some food that you feel they'd like to eat!

Then you can give it to them on the way out, as you go back out into the cold night.
Does it really cost that much to care?

Sometimes people just need to eat.

Yes, they are there. Yes, you did see and 'ignore' them. Yes, they are cold. And yes, those selling The Big Issue are actively trying to make a difference without just asking for charity.

Your attitude towards others shows the world what you are like. If you believe you are better than that, behave better and love others, as much as the love that is due and coming to you.

So stop talking about making a difference and pretending you care. Show it!

It doesn't cost more than the price of a sandwich and a drink to show you care about life.

Life shouldn't be about how much money you put into your pockets but how much value you put back into the world!

What you do to Others Will Be Done to You!

Once upon a time in China , a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law.

In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all. Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband great distress.

Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it. Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.

Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, "Li-iL, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you."

Li-Li said,"Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do. "Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you, when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. "Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen." Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.

Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.

After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.

The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter. Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.

One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep off the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her."

Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."


HAVE YOU REALIZED that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? There is a wise Chinese saying: "The person who loves others will also be loved in return." God might be trying to work in another person's life through you.

A candle loses nothing if it is used to light another one...

The Influence of Social Media on Valentine’s Day

Great article showing the link between social media, relationships and how you can get (and stay) more connected with your loved one!

Bobby

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"This year on Valentine’s Day, people are taking full advantage of all that social media has to offer to build on their special relationships.

What does Valentine’s Day have to do with social media? What they have in common is relationships. Social media is about building relationships. Valentine’s Day is about paying attention to relationships and strengthening relationship bonds. There are several important aspects of social media relationships that apply to all relationships: listening (knowing what your clients are saying about you), empathizing (connecting with your clients and trying to understand why they feel the way that they do), being transparent (honesty builds trust and without trust, your business will not succeed), showing appreciation (express how much you value your clients), and being passionate (long-lasting and valuable relationships are filled with passion, dedication, and hard work).

People use social networks to connect with people with whom they have existing relationships. In the process, they also form new relationships. Social networks allow you to share media and to customize your look and feel online. People can form online groups that consist of people who all share common interests. Special occasions, such as Valentine’s Day, create a whirlwind of activity on social networks. People are looking for the perfect gift for that special person or for themselves.

Searching online for Valentine’s Day ideas produces a huge volume of new articles, social networking suggestions, commercial offerings, and live twitter feeds. Before social media was available, the standard flowers and chocolates were gratefully accepted. Now, social media is ensuring that everyone tries to get more creative and exciting gifts to show how much they care. In today’s difficult economy, people are trying to be generous without hurting themselves financially.

Here are some fun gifts and gift ideas for your sweetheart using social media:

• Create a personalized Facebook ad—You can create an ad that will only be seen by one user. You can make it as special as you want without any fear that you are sharing it with the whole world.
• Upload a karaoke cover of your song on YouTube—It will be considered very romantic if you sing a song for your sweetheart in a room full of people. In fact, in this case, you will be singing in front of the entire World Wide Web. Share your recording on social media channels so that it is perfectly clear who your sweetheart is.
• Schedule new @replies by the hour through HootSuite—Send a new reason for loving him or her every hour for 24 hours. You can set it all up in advance and HootSuite will automatically work its magic.
• Buy a generous Facebook gift (for charity)—Facebook’s online gift shop has an entire collection of gifts for charity. Whatever you spend will go to the charitable organization of your choice.
• Use the Sweethearts iPhone app to share personalized Sweethearts candies via Twitter—You can create, order and share Sweethearts with creative and special messages.

Of course, Valentine’s Day gifts are not the only things that are dominating the social media world. Ideas for celebrating Valentine’s Day cards, dates, surprises, proposals and other inventive ways to light a fire in a relationship or add something different and sweet to a friendship are all around us. In addition to gifts and ideas on how to celebrate, people are making plans to do something special within their budget.

Many popular sites, including Amazon and Oprah, have released lists of affordable gift ideas. Most websites offer a filter where items can be sorted by price. If you don’t want to guess what your sweetheart would like, Amazon also offers a wish list option where people can choose what they want, which avoids the recipient being disappointed as well as the giver not having to stress over whether he or she has bought the perfect gift.

For those people who find Valentine’s Day annoying, there are humorous gift online, such as fun things to do if you are single and broken-heart cookies. There is also a list online of the top worst Valentine’s Day gift ideas along with a list of the most unoriginal ideas and the worst Valentine’s Day dates.

With social media continuing to be a networking and economic giant, nobody will be left with a bad Valentine’s Day gift this year. Whether you love or hate the holiday, there is something that will please everyone. You should definitely take advantage of social media this Valentine’s Day, whether the result is a feeling of softness and sentimentality or amusement. In any case, a whole world full of possible gift ideas is open to you."

Source: www.bx.businessweek.com
Original article: www.compukol.com

What Love means to 4 - 8 year olds

What does Love mean to you this Valentines Day?

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Touching words from the mouth of babes - When asked 'What does love mean?'

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4


'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5


'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6


'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4


'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7


'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8


'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

Bobby - age 7


'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6


'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7


'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6


'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8


'My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6


'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5


'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7


'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4


'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4


'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7


'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

Mark - age 6


'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8


And the final one:
A four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
 

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What does Love mean to you every day?

Finding and Keeping A Life Partner by Dov Heller

Here's a great article brought to my attention by Jairek Robbins

Well worth a read for those in relationships or not. If you think about things up front you have much less to worry about later.

Bobby :-)

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Rule # 1 – MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON AND 90% OF YOUR PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED

The article below would be useful for both the married and unmarried ones,
please take some time to read.

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one
wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it
appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding
Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married,
they’ll say: ‘We’re in love’; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make
when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.
Though this may sound ‘not politically correct’, there’s a profound truth
here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a
good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will
come. Let me say it again: ‘You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love
alone’; You need a lot more!!! Here are five questions you must ask
yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20
or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to
do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to
share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2)you
can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a
marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line;
marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this
person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling
safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having
good communication is trust i.e. trust that I won’t get ‘punished’; or hurt
for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines
an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your
thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you
feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a
regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of
mine defines a good person as ’someone who is always striving to be good
and do the right ‘;. So ask about your significant other: What do they do
with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic
person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are
dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking
comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal
comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before
walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person
pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self absorbed? To measure this, think about
the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice
to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their
parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they
don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you
do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others
poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person
after we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of
trying to ‘improve’ them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts
it: ‘You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the
worse’ If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then
you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key
is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It
pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask
questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a
great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on our finger, you don’t
want to find yourself trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

Another perspective…There are some people in your life that need to be
loved from a distance.. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let
go of or at
least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not going
anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay
attention…Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and
which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which
ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better
or feel worse? Which ones don’t appreciate you? Which ones make you feel
good, praises you, boosts you with loving and caring words or annotations.

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth
around you…the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in
the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, ‘Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and after you marry, close one eye’; Before you get involved and make a
commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance,
pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs.
Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or
that what you see as faults isn’t really that important. Do you bring out
the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other,
or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the
relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust,
past pain? You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t
make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem,
spiritual discernment, and ‘a life’; you won’t find yourself making someone
else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking
status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment
withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

By Dov Heller, M.A. www.ClarityTalk.com

"The more we understand our feelings, the more we understand ourselves"

Love, Hearts and Dreams

I was asked to write an article for the YES newsletter on networking, then Andrea suggested a Valentine's edition would be better suited to love. Oh yes, a topic I'm an expert on!?! So I thought I'd write about the kinds of people that we all know, who are close to us and you might even recognise a little bit of yourself.

Check out the current Yes Group Newsletters

I also had a film review for Slumdog Millionaire published in the Coaches Community Newsletter last month as well.

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Who are the kinds of people that we all like to know and meet, who are closest to us and single? Are they like you?

There are so many brilliant people in the personal development world and I'm sure it would be easy enough to just hook them all up. Networking and meeting other singles can't be an issue, as you're already out of your house and talking to people. Most of you don't even need an excuse to high five or hug someone!

Now I know most of you don't go to networking events to specifically meet your partner, more likely to get away from the one at home... just kidding. If you aren't getting out often enough, come on over to the next YES group or crash a birthday party, a hobby of mine now!


What are the date's that most singles dread, due to peer pressure and society of course. Would it be Christmas and New Year? Birthday's? Or Valentines Day!? Some of the ladies I know shudder at the thought of being single over that period. Will their coupled up friends ask what plans they have, with the reply being another 'too busy for a relationship' excuse!

Many people I know in the personal development world have moved on from their 'old' lives and friends and now prefer the company of a new peer group on their level of understanding. They've discovered themselves and are looking for someone to complement them. Yes it's good to be comfortable in your own skin and around yourself, so why not be yourself around other people as well and maybe that special somebody. Or are you waiting for that perfect person to walk into your life? They might already be there under your nose and you've not taken the time to get to know them. Saying you've altered your old paradigms is not the same as taking action and proving it.

Are you one of those people that can't move on from a relationship that is clearly over, where you feel the need to be in a relationship because you think you can't survive alone? Or someone who gets so close and then sabotages it on purpose because they're scared of commitment? Not wanting to get too involved, as you've only ever know how to live by yourself?
Have these attitudes been serving you or is it time for a change now.

It's easy to get into a comfort zone as we all know, life is on the edge and on the other side of that zone. Even if you stretch it just a little, you'll have more options open to you.


Do you hope the stars are going to offer you a break or are you going to have to make it happen? If you've been waiting a while for the universe to deliver, when are you going to accept the opportunities already present.

Have you heard the story of the person in a boat, lost in the ocean. They pray for God to rescue them. Soon a rescue plane comes but the person waves them off and says 'It's okay God will save me.' Then comes a boat and a helicopter but they all get the same response. When they die and get to heaven, the person cries out to God, 'Why didn't you save me?' God says, 'Didn't you see the plane, boat and helicopter I sent?'
What more do you want, it is up to you to say YES! God helps those that helps themselves.

Are you not 'seeing' the people that are already in your life. Are you waiting for them to be part of your past; or would you prefer them to be part of your future?

Maybe you are wondering what other people will say or think. You want to act cool in front of your friends and seek approval. Whilst you're over in their head space, who is in yours? Does it really matter what someone else's opinion of you might be, constantly trying to please others. Wouldn't it be better to live your life the best way that you want!

You'll know whether someone might be the right person by the way that you feel about them when you meet or talk. Instead of waiting till later or next time, seize the once in a lifetime opportunity to say hi and exchange numbers if you hit it off. There may be other people you could meet in the future, but you have to remember you live in the now. And this now is never to be repeated, do you really want to miss out? They could step out the door and meet someone else, where is your later then!

When someone meets another person in their life, they have a chance to say something and a choice to make, whether this is going to be a moment that you might learn from (and live happily ever after for those that like fairy tales) or potentially regret months or years from now. People will keep turning up in your life, you will get 'better' offers BUT you won't get that same offer again, it is up to you to decide what you do.

As time moves on, you see a potential partner happy with someone else now. They might be happily married, with kids and it is too late to turn back the clock. They may have grown to be the person that you could now possibly get along with, not having given them a chance before.

These are the choices you made and it could have been decisions in the past that are showing up again in the present. Maybe they're just showing up as a reminder to you, to change your ways.


Are you going to make the same choices again, to have the same results show up in your future or are you going to take a risk and give that someone, who's momentarily turned up in your life now, a chance... Instead of replaying your old programs and beliefs, how about playing 'what if' - “what if this could be a moment to move my life forward in the direction I want.” “What if this person is the right one for me.” Find out. Do you want to look back at your life with regrets and wonder about those decisions that could have been the 'what if' - I didn't think so.

Stop making excuses or looking for the worst case scenario (I'll just get my heart broken again crap) and step out and take control of your life. Organise to meet up for a coffee, agree to go on a date, do something crazy and fun, no matter where it might lead. You might just become good friends or end up going somewhere you've never even been before!
And you're not really giving that somebody a chance to be happy with you; the person that you're really giving a chance to be happy is yourself!

Don't be just a footnote in someone's story, be a whole chapter; even better still, write your own!
The future is still unwritten, get writing your story now, the way that you want it to be...

Remember "Life's for sharing" - who is that special someone you are going to share it with? :-)


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This Valentines Day I was at another Personal development seminar with great people at Play To Win . So come along to the next one, improve yourself and maybe meet a great single too.

Slumdog Millionaire - What would you do to get what you wanted?

What would you do to be a winner? And what is the dream you're really aiming for?

This is an uplifting film about a boy's journey through life and his struggles and challenges, culminating in being on the Who Wants To be a Millionaire show in India. It is told in flashbacks from Jamal Malik being on the show and accused of cheating.

A tea-boy in a call centre, he is now on the last question to win 20,000,000 Rupees.

How did he do it?
A: He cheated
B; He's lucky
C: He is a genius
D: It is written

Thankfully the film is not really about the TV show or the money, otherwise it could have been a pretty formula movie. Instead it pulls you into the film giving you an inside view of people living in the slums of India and the hardships they face daily that you wouldn't even imagine or wish upon anyone. You feel as you are there as they run around the streets as kids, hustle for money and run along trains.
Focusing on the life of one boy, his brother and the girl he falls for. Their journey over the years and a story of hope, first love and destiny. It is funny and sad and have you on the edge of your seat throughout, making you laugh, cry and feel for the characters. Reminding you of how grateful you should be for what you do have in your life every day.

A heart warming film about love, life and hope. It is a wonderful story of destiny and that our fate has already been written and gives us the answers as and when we need them. Sometimes you want the answer and at other times you may wish you never knew and didn't ever have to know.

Each part of the film weaves the story together and is an essential piece of the whole jigsaw. It reminded me of M. Night Shyamalan's Signs

Does he get the money, the girl and have his dreams come true? You'll have to watch it to find out. Oh and remember to phone a friend to take with you ;-)


Some people are so passionate that they don't know how to give up and do whatever it takes, like Jamal, hopefully you are one of them too!

Live, laugh and love your way through life; because it is already written!
You just have to believe it and not give up on your passion and that which you hold dear. What is already written for you and what will you write for tomorrow!?


http://www.youtube.com/v/AIzbwV7on6Q

This is a British film production with Danny Boyle directing and starring upcoming talent in the form of Dev Patel and Freida Pinto

Poster uses D: Destiny, the film has D: It is written (which I find more profound)



Based on the book Q and A: Slumdog Millionaire by Vikas Swarup.

"Former tiffinboy Ram Mohammad Thomas has just got twelve questions correct on a TV quiz-show to win a cool one billion rupees. But he is brutally slung in prison on suspicion of cheating. Because how can a kid from the slums know who Shakespeare was, unless he is pulling a fast one. In the order of the questions on the show, Ram tells us which amazing adventures in his street-kid life gave him the answers. From orphanages to brothels, gangsters to beggar-masters, and into the homes of Bollywood's rich and famous, Ram's story is brimming with the chaotic comedy, heart-stopping tragedy and tear-inducing joyousness of modern India."

Dr John Demartini - On love, life and relationships

A long standing member of the YES Group Martin Boothe passed away and though I didn't really know him, you could feel the love in the air. He was the dance co-ordinator and had worked with many great singers and at UPW with Tony Robbins and the crew. Someone who had touched many lives and will be loved and missed by friends and family alike. My sincerest regards go to everyone who was in his life, especially his wife and daughter.


Just wanted to mention it was great catching up with Natalie M from UPW crew the day before my NLP course started, as she was over from France for a few days. Went into London and spent most of the evening in Victoria actually. Didn't do anything special and it was still lots and lots of fun! :-)
Also got to meet her cousin Charlotte who is a self-classified 'plastic' who likes Dolly Parton (!?) and thinks all 'chavs' should be exterminated... no, really! She's a really nice girl and could do with just meeting and being friends with a few people from different backgrounds, to realise there is more to life than what people think of you. Just be yourself! Which nicely brings me onto...

Dr John Demartini was talking at the YES Group in London on love, life and relationships. If you've never had the opportunity to hear him, what have you been waiting for?

John Demartini presents a captivating blend of science, sociology, history and philosophy, presented in a completely accessible way, to give you a fresh new look at human behavior. He is as entertaining and humorous as he is profound and insightful. His work is the culmination of 34 years of research and study into the practical application of more than 28,000 texts in over 200 different disciplines ranging from psychology, philosophy, metaphysics, theology, neurology and physiology.

I almost had to beg Nicky to let us finish our NLP course early on the Wednesday so we could go and see him. She finally agreed and told me to get off my knees. We took most of the people on the course along, Steve T, Caroline E, Nicky P, Paul C, Chris, Amelia, Eileen, Nawar and Alex.

Karl P's mum, Elaine, also came for the first time in 15 years since her son founded the first YES Group in London and had a blast! I also got a chance to catch up with some friends including Andrea S, Anita L, Vaishali P, Richard, Chris J and Fiona W whose birthday it was and Peter S who had dried off since the soaking I gave him at Wealth Mastery.

John Demartini talked about how men and women differ, men are from apes and women from centipedes (shoe joke).
The fact that it is not possible to fail as we will always do what is in accordance with our values and not neccesarily anyone else's. And the only way to screw up is if you're on the bottom ;-)

We have time, money and energy for those things and people that are important in our lives. When a partner's values are different, you need to look at how those different values still contribute to your life and allow you to do the things you love. Only then can you truly appreciate the one that you are with.

Everyone has different values and expecting them to change is as if someone was to come and ask you to CHANGE to honour their values more instead of yours.
Having to accept someone for who they are and be willing to let them go if you cannot find some common ground. To put someone on a pedestal and be infatuated is to belittle ourselves and to look down on someone and put them in the dog house does not make us better!

How we attract into our lives the things that we need most and challenge us. Even all the great things we look in a partner can be found in the people around us, just not in one package. And as we wonder about look for the one, we then find them and wonder about the many.
After all, we can only see in others what already exists in us. And these traits will manifest themselves in people until we deal with it and accept it.

"Until we learn the lessons, we are doomed to make the same mistakes again and again."

I went to talk with him afterwards and to ask for a picture and all I could say was thank you for such a wonderful talk and how we appreciated him taking the time to come and talk to us. He has such an aura about him and a presence that you feel.

The biggest message that I took away was to just say "Thank you and I love you!" to everyone in your life. Even those that you think have challenged you along your journey.


I prayed as I drove home. To get in touch with my spiritual side you ask?
Nope, I'd got lost in London yet again (after my GPS had fun with me in Soho last weekend) and I was also running on vapour, as I'd not passed a petrol station.

You'd be amazed how far faith can get you when running on empty! ;-)